Your miserable little life.

So you’ve just finished college with a useless degree, no clear future, and a shitload of burdensome debt that will hang around your neck like an albatross for the next decade of your pitiful existence. Welcome to the world, dear Millenial. You should’ve studied something useful, like a trade or medicine. But no, instead you majored in philosophy or art history or something equally bullshit. What the fuck were you thinking? Well, fear not, young man or woman or whatever gender you weirdos identify as. All is not lost. In fact, consider this the next chapter of your life. A new beginning.  A fresh start. The world is your oyster and all that clichéd tripe . But no, really, it is. All you have to do is open it. ‘Opening Oysters’ — strong band name potential.

The first thing you need to do is pay off debt. You probably have a credit card or ten because companies prey on stupid college students like you who don’t know any better, who don’t know that that shit will haunt you for the rest of your life if you fuck it up. And you’re reading this because you fucked it up. Well done. So, student loans, credit cards…at least be grateful no bank would have been stupid enough loan you anything else. Were they?

Here’s what you’re going to do. Unless you’re totally broke , you shouldn’t need to defer your student loan payments. If you are one hundred percent, flat-on-your-ass broke, go out there and sell it. Your ass, I mean. Yes, sell it. You deserve it for being so fucking stupid. At least it’ll get your debts paid off. But maybe you’re too ugly to do even that. Maybe no one would touch your ass with a thirty nine and a half foot pole. I know I wouldn’t. Well guess what, dear Millenial. All is not lost. In fact, you can do something far more productive and rewarding and enlightening and thrilling and profitable than getting your ass pounded in the backseat of a Toyota Corolla for a measly fifty dollars. (If you can get a hundred, though…)

What you’re really going to do is…

Wait for it…

Drum roll…

Keep scrolling …

Teach English abroad. Boom. There it is. You’re going to hightail it out of that shithole you call home and make your way to another shithole. But don’t worry, the new shithole will be far more interesting with better food and nicer people that don’t care if you’re black or white or gay or straight or fat or thin. Can you speak English? There you go. That’s what they care about. That’s your ticket to not just financial stability, but broadened horizons and a cultural awareness that, let’s face it, you weren’t going to get by staying in that shithole you call home.

But I know you, dear Millenial. Can’t do anything by yourself. You’re probably still living with your parents, convincing yourself you’re not a loser for doing so, that it’s the Boomers who’ve fucked up the whole world for you and now you’re just living in it. Well, that might be, so guess what I’ll do? I’ll show you the way. I’ll hold your precious little hand as you find your way overseas to educate various shades of brown people who speak in strange tongues. It’s easier than it sounds and more rewarding than anything you’ve done in your miserable little life.  What I’m going to do, what this whole blog will be devoted to, is making sure you don’t suck at teaching English.

You’re welcome.

Now let’s look at what you’ll need.

Leave a Reply